Goodhair
Initially when I lightened my hair, I was going for orange but for one reason or another it wound up more of a creamsicle color. I was not crazy about it but I accepted it.
A month later, I went to a different salon where the woman recommended that I use a purple shampoo to remove the orangy look. It left my hair light blonde. I wanted to try something new so I got a flat iron service.
When I left the salon my hair was blonde and straight. I did not expect to have such a boost of confidence. After months of feeling insecure about my body, work performance, and lack of community, that momentary confidence boost was energizing. I welcomed it. I admit that there was a part of me that felt superior and like I was highlighting my white features. It was a strange moment so I brushed it off and allowed myself to feel pretty. I took a selfie and posted it on facebook.
To my surprise, my father commented on my photo. He said “que linda estas”. I felt glad to see he still follows me and glad that he approved. Then when reality set in. I felt angry. My father has not commented on any of my posts for the past three years. He did not even comment on my graduation post. Now he notices me when my hair is blonde and straight. I immediately disconnected from my hair. I felt guilty and shameful. How could I allow the white hegemony creep back into my decision-making when it came to my hair? After almost two decades of wearing natural looks such as locs, twist and braids, I thought I was past it.
Just to give you some background about my father: he is a brown skin Dominican man. He claims to have progressive politics but he is homophobic and prejudiced. He offered to pay for my DNA test just to tell me that I had more African blood than he did. I believe he also wanted to confirm that I was his daughter before writing his will. My father is a conflicted man. He is proud of his native Taino roots but denies his African roots. He marches for equal rights but he does not believe gay people should be allowed to marry. Growing up I heard him say many times that White features are simply more beautiful than Black features.
I began to resent my hair and all the ways it reminded me of the work I still had to do to unlearn what my culture and current culture has programmed me to believe. On top of that, I now had heat damage. I had straight strands and hair breakage. My hair was breaking at the center and it was scary. I blamed myself for getting these styles in the first place. How could I still want “goodhair” after all these years.
A different hairstylist at the same salon offered to give me 3 protein treatments on the house. She repeated several times, it is not your fault, it is not your fault. I felt good when I looked in the mirror and saw a darker tone and my natural curls reflected back to me. I noticed that I didn’t have the same high level confidence boost as I did before. But I would rather my confidence increase incrementally as I learn to know and love myself one layer at a time than to have a false sense of worth.
This has been a learning experience as I come back around to the lesson I thought I had already learned. I am confident that I am relearning to love my curls for my own healing and the healing of others that I will be better able to understand.
